Here, amongst the heartbeats of God, where you could reach out and grasp infinity with your reaching hands, you sit.
Alone.
And nowhere is the realisation that you've wasted your life, squandered the gifts and intellect and instinct that passes for luck, nowhere is that more felt than here, in the very body of heaven.
Monday 13 September 2010
Sunday 29 August 2010
We are The Last
We are the ones, every last one of us, we are each individual one, and many, all at the same time. A tiny part of our lives is vested in that of another. A tiny part of their life rests in ours. Day in and day out, our lives intermingle and bounce against each other. We, this body of people and existencies are the brownian particles of history. No rhyme or reason, but still we affect, in our own tiny way, everyone else who ever shall exist. And throughout time, throughout all of existence as we have recorded it, we have watched as the pendulum of thought and control has swung between Augustus to Pelagius and back. We watch, still, as the oscillations diminish and waste away. At last, in the very near future, that pendulum will slow and stop and still, and move no more.
And now, unlike at any other point in human history, we have nothing. No spark, no industry or drive to throw our hand to the pendulum and begin the cycle anew. There is no cleavage here upon which we can depend or hang our hopes. We have not even the indignity and horror of oppression, for even the hope of cruelty and untold suffering can spur us to move. There is nothing, and for that, for once, we are grateful. We stand alone, at this point, khorosho, all well and good, and in a place where neither happiness nor sorrow are matters for concern.
For more time than we can properly comprehend, humanity has acquired the veneer and sheen of what we have come to call civilisation. Throughout all of the centuries, we have strived (Sp?) and sought. Above all else, this is the mark of human endeavour. We suspected, supposed; we had above all the suspicion that there was a heaven, something beyond this. It mattered not whether that heaven was a better role in life than the one that vicissitudes of fate had assigned us, or whether it was a place beyond this life that we could go and there reach some state of bliss that was unknowable on this water covered rock. But in suspecting that heaven we all strove, and held our hands outwards and upwards in hope. Without something to keep that faith and passion alive, like anything else that goes untended in a harsh climate, it has been overpowered. Beaten down by the weight of the information we bury ourselves in. Suffocated by the million different things we have put between ourselves and [lsdknf]. And without that, we have no cause to strive.
Mankind, humanity, all of us. We are on a plateau now, one from which there shall be no movement, no great breakaway. Nothing, no step change, we have come through that phase now, where our ingenuity ran away with us and carried us breathlessly into the sky and deep into the bowels of the earth. Where the forces of political upheaval as people's faith in progress and hopes for themselves, their children, and their greater descendants clashed with those from others all over the world. We fought and argued. We suppressed and oppressed in equal measure, as the ebb and flow of power within countries and around the planet left entire peoples bobbing in the wars and revolutions and movements that follow power as surely as our night still follows day, after eight thousand years of civilisation.
And gradually, so gradually now, the waves of power that washed over humanity have levelled themselves out. The planet is becalmed. There is not so much a peace, as a simple absence of conflict. As the world became smaller and more interconnected, so did wars and conflict and our power grabs. And by degrees, by the tiniest of steps, we have teetered away from the precipice of oblivion, and instead, we are here. This place, where there is nothing, except an endless procession of days stretching into the future, that look far too much like this for any one man to comprehend and not take his own life in the face of such futility. The fury that we should feel in this cultural wasteland is gone. It is the most specific absence in our lives Without our faith in progress, we have no imbalances of power. Without those imbalances of power, we have no great suffering, meaning we have no great men.
Instead of tending to entropy, we have tended to mediocrity, and here we sit now, not the middle children of history, but the last. The last children, for all of those who come after us will be the same. They may have different faces and different names, but this, this is the last chance for them to be different people. Within a generation, we will have lost everything that will let us climb out from here. This is, the end. We are The Last.
And now, unlike at any other point in human history, we have nothing. No spark, no industry or drive to throw our hand to the pendulum and begin the cycle anew. There is no cleavage here upon which we can depend or hang our hopes. We have not even the indignity and horror of oppression, for even the hope of cruelty and untold suffering can spur us to move. There is nothing, and for that, for once, we are grateful. We stand alone, at this point, khorosho, all well and good, and in a place where neither happiness nor sorrow are matters for concern.
For more time than we can properly comprehend, humanity has acquired the veneer and sheen of what we have come to call civilisation. Throughout all of the centuries, we have strived (Sp?) and sought. Above all else, this is the mark of human endeavour. We suspected, supposed; we had above all the suspicion that there was a heaven, something beyond this. It mattered not whether that heaven was a better role in life than the one that vicissitudes of fate had assigned us, or whether it was a place beyond this life that we could go and there reach some state of bliss that was unknowable on this water covered rock. But in suspecting that heaven we all strove, and held our hands outwards and upwards in hope. Without something to keep that faith and passion alive, like anything else that goes untended in a harsh climate, it has been overpowered. Beaten down by the weight of the information we bury ourselves in. Suffocated by the million different things we have put between ourselves and [lsdknf]. And without that, we have no cause to strive.
Mankind, humanity, all of us. We are on a plateau now, one from which there shall be no movement, no great breakaway. Nothing, no step change, we have come through that phase now, where our ingenuity ran away with us and carried us breathlessly into the sky and deep into the bowels of the earth. Where the forces of political upheaval as people's faith in progress and hopes for themselves, their children, and their greater descendants clashed with those from others all over the world. We fought and argued. We suppressed and oppressed in equal measure, as the ebb and flow of power within countries and around the planet left entire peoples bobbing in the wars and revolutions and movements that follow power as surely as our night still follows day, after eight thousand years of civilisation.
And gradually, so gradually now, the waves of power that washed over humanity have levelled themselves out. The planet is becalmed. There is not so much a peace, as a simple absence of conflict. As the world became smaller and more interconnected, so did wars and conflict and our power grabs. And by degrees, by the tiniest of steps, we have teetered away from the precipice of oblivion, and instead, we are here. This place, where there is nothing, except an endless procession of days stretching into the future, that look far too much like this for any one man to comprehend and not take his own life in the face of such futility. The fury that we should feel in this cultural wasteland is gone. It is the most specific absence in our lives Without our faith in progress, we have no imbalances of power. Without those imbalances of power, we have no great suffering, meaning we have no great men.
Instead of tending to entropy, we have tended to mediocrity, and here we sit now, not the middle children of history, but the last. The last children, for all of those who come after us will be the same. They may have different faces and different names, but this, this is the last chance for them to be different people. Within a generation, we will have lost everything that will let us climb out from here. This is, the end. We are The Last.
Tuesday 1 June 2010
Not tonight, Gracey.
I waited in the hall. Home from school early, plaits in my hair straightened, and even my room tidy, I'm a good girl. I wait in the hall. I can hear the clank and clatter of pots and pans as my mother does something culinary in the kitchen. She doesn't like cooking, and we don't really like eating what she makes. But we do it because we feel that we should.
My mother called through, Do you want the gravy on top of your potato, or on the side? I ask if I can pour it instead of her doing it. Of course, she says. I smile, I like pouring it, I like watching them watch me, just in case I spill it. It's been a long time since I've spilt it, though.
In the drive, there's a scrunch of tyres over gravel. Every day as I come home from school, I walk up the furrows in the gravel, from where he drives in every night the same way. In the mornings, on the way out, we're usually running late and my mother says there's no time for games, so we just walk straight.
Face happy and sparkling at his special girls as he came home, through the door, sweeping me up, safe in his arms. Caught and lifted high above in his arms, near the ceiling, squealing in delight and my hair flying in my mouth as he rushed me through the softly scented room that my mother had carefully tended before the cleaners arrived. Always, she had said, be willing to do what it is you're going to pay someone else to do, or at least try it. This house is always tidy, and we pay someone to give it that extra sparkle, she said. I liked that, too. My house was lovely and clean and when I came through the door, I can smell the polish and bleach and all the other things that she used.
In the garden that day, and my daddy came bowling out of the house, almost tripping up. He was smiling and happy and I liked that look too. It's going to be the best thing in the world. Everyone in the world is going to want one, or two even. And I smiled, because my daddy was changing the world. And that means i've got all the more time to spend with my Gracey Elizabeth, doesn't it? She said, tickling me, and I squealed in delight again.
I remember the change in him, but not when it started. Less a switch and more a gradual slip, sliding away from where he used to be, as my father went from a man happily enamoured by his passions to someone else, someone consumed and devoured.
There was a lot less squealing, now. I was swept up and away and round in a circle less, and less and less. They're saying that they already did it, that they did it first. And that mine is just an improvement on an existing process. But how can it be, how can it be? Everything, corroding so, so early. And my father coming back in later in the evening, shoulders hunched and head down, smiling with his mouth, and then not even with that. They're saying that I need to just leave it, that they've so much time and money and whatever else, that there's no... ust no way that I can argue with them, even if I'm right. You are right. I know. But I've been told so much that I'm not now that I'm not even sure that I am any more. I just don't know, I just don't know.
Ten more years of this, I'm sure that it would have been fine, but he couldn't see, we couldn't make him believe, my mother couldn't make him believe. And the day I decided I was going to surprise him and make him, actually make him, damnit, remember and believe and spin me round and he'd remember and everything would be OK. That look would fall from his face, and everything would be. Not any kind of description, everything would just be, again.
Rushing towards the door with my arms outstretched towards him and Daddy, you're home, give me an aerrrrrroplane, and practically throwing myself at him, and he caught me. I could feel the muscles in his arms holding me, perfectly still, off the floor, everything in the world perfectly still for just a moment.
And then everything started moving again, and my feet touched the floor. Not tonight, Gracey. Not tonight. And his footsteps across the hall, and into the living room. The armchair glumphed, as he collapsed into it. His jacket creaked as he leaned back and his arm moved to cover his eyes.
I wait, in the hall.
My mother called through, Do you want the gravy on top of your potato, or on the side? I ask if I can pour it instead of her doing it. Of course, she says. I smile, I like pouring it, I like watching them watch me, just in case I spill it. It's been a long time since I've spilt it, though.
In the drive, there's a scrunch of tyres over gravel. Every day as I come home from school, I walk up the furrows in the gravel, from where he drives in every night the same way. In the mornings, on the way out, we're usually running late and my mother says there's no time for games, so we just walk straight.
Face happy and sparkling at his special girls as he came home, through the door, sweeping me up, safe in his arms. Caught and lifted high above in his arms, near the ceiling, squealing in delight and my hair flying in my mouth as he rushed me through the softly scented room that my mother had carefully tended before the cleaners arrived. Always, she had said, be willing to do what it is you're going to pay someone else to do, or at least try it. This house is always tidy, and we pay someone to give it that extra sparkle, she said. I liked that, too. My house was lovely and clean and when I came through the door, I can smell the polish and bleach and all the other things that she used.
In the garden that day, and my daddy came bowling out of the house, almost tripping up. He was smiling and happy and I liked that look too. It's going to be the best thing in the world. Everyone in the world is going to want one, or two even. And I smiled, because my daddy was changing the world. And that means i've got all the more time to spend with my Gracey Elizabeth, doesn't it? She said, tickling me, and I squealed in delight again.
I remember the change in him, but not when it started. Less a switch and more a gradual slip, sliding away from where he used to be, as my father went from a man happily enamoured by his passions to someone else, someone consumed and devoured.
There was a lot less squealing, now. I was swept up and away and round in a circle less, and less and less. They're saying that they already did it, that they did it first. And that mine is just an improvement on an existing process. But how can it be, how can it be? Everything, corroding so, so early. And my father coming back in later in the evening, shoulders hunched and head down, smiling with his mouth, and then not even with that. They're saying that I need to just leave it, that they've so much time and money and whatever else, that there's no... ust no way that I can argue with them, even if I'm right. You are right. I know. But I've been told so much that I'm not now that I'm not even sure that I am any more. I just don't know, I just don't know.
Ten more years of this, I'm sure that it would have been fine, but he couldn't see, we couldn't make him believe, my mother couldn't make him believe. And the day I decided I was going to surprise him and make him, actually make him, damnit, remember and believe and spin me round and he'd remember and everything would be OK. That look would fall from his face, and everything would be. Not any kind of description, everything would just be, again.
Rushing towards the door with my arms outstretched towards him and Daddy, you're home, give me an aerrrrrroplane, and practically throwing myself at him, and he caught me. I could feel the muscles in his arms holding me, perfectly still, off the floor, everything in the world perfectly still for just a moment.
And then everything started moving again, and my feet touched the floor. Not tonight, Gracey. Not tonight. And his footsteps across the hall, and into the living room. The armchair glumphed, as he collapsed into it. His jacket creaked as he leaned back and his arm moved to cover his eyes.
I wait, in the hall.
Tuesday 18 May 2010
Elizabeth
Smash. Glass tumbles. Spinning through the air, end on end, the shards arc away, glittering and flitting and flying through the early spring light coming through the main windows. The tinkle and patter as it lands is a contrast to the brutal sound of the pane smashing and breaking, en route to violation.
Deep breath. Push down. Pull the arms back. The wave of nausea rising up like a tree growing through me in fast forward, a hundred years of growth in a few seconds. The french doors rattle backwards against the frame as I lean back and instinctively try and extricate myself. I fight the natural urge and try and force myself to relax. I can feel the blood in my temple. Glass tumbles through the air. The house is quiet, one of those rare occasions I'm left to my own devices. Probably for the best if I'm honest. If my mother only knew. Well. Now that I even think about it, she probably does, they always do. But they choose not to. Selective deafness and mis-thinking is a common factor in our family. None of the things I've said or done can possibly be true, so they choose to ignore it.
Force myself to relax and push down again. I should have used the floor bolts to stop the doors moving about. Well, maybe next time. The ridiculousness of the thought made me laugh, even now. Around my feet, the blood pooled, seeping into the carpet, warm and slippery. It sluiced down the partial pane and onto the frame, dripped and flowed unevenly from there, some of it finding its way back onto the frames below, coating them as well. It's surprisingly sunny today, a rare piece of azure in the sky instead of the usual slate grey. Doesn't help my finality any though. [here I could exert myself, my final power, a final act.]
My head lolled forward as I saw the first of the black patches cross my vision. Had to stay upright, till I went properly. I knew that when I fell while my hands were still grasping for the world on the other side of the glass that the wood and glass would shatter more, ripping and tearing at what was left of my arms. I feel my stomach pulling in on itself at the very thought. Tendons would shred, muscle would divorce from bone, ligaments shorn. The more thoroughly I blacked out the less likely that the final coup de grace as I went forward through the rest of the glass would wake me up. The benefits of forward planning; and bitter experience.
It's
not
likeillrem
with a jerk I came back from the semi conscious tilt. My breath inhaled sharply and chillingly through lips as the glass in my forearm bit in unexpectedly.
“Elizabeth? What are you...”
An inrush of wind and dust and leaves as my mother rushes in, dropping the shopping bags. I her the eggs crack as they land. She'll be mad at me for that later, ifI
My eyes open again I feel hands, arms under mine, supporting the weight, trying to lift me off the glass that's jutting into my arm like an iceberg, the rest of the doorframe under the water, it certainly looks that way nowflooringfloodingandflyinginblackandwhiteand
“Oh my god, please, please hurry. My baby girl, my Elizabeth, my...”
My eyes open again. The ceiling rose is dirty. I wince at the fabric biting into my arms below the elbow. My eyes close.
My eyes open again. And again and again. And now it's the height of summer, the day before my 18th, and I lay here in the pristine hospital bed, the nurses fussing brusquely around me. They know why I was here. The severed tendons and brutalised muscles in my arms are, truly, honestly the least of that girls problems, I don't know why she did it, poor thing, I mean look at her, I wish I looked like her, how can a girl who looks like that, cheer up darling, if I looked like you I wouldn't have a care in the world, smile from that pretty face there we go but you should let it reach your eyes once in a while fuckofffuckofffuckfoffyoudontyou'venevereventried to as if that was the only thing that mattered, that they could never understand, my inability, my failure, my fucking bitter, bile spitting failure, to bring something, anything, that burned with the fire of the new, that would scorch the sky and tame the earth because it was fresh in a way that made people's heads spin and minds reel. I sighed again and slept.
My eyes open again. And again and again and again. And now it's more white sheets and institutional green walls, and the physiotherapist holding me under the arm, just less than the barest amount to keep me standing upright and mobile, coaxing and willing and hoping that my wasted muscles, between the malnutrition and time in the bed being turned and turned and turned by well meaning but lost, hopeless, awful people, my legs are unhappy at best and wilfully disobediant and thin and beautiful at worst. And falling less than an arm's length from the bar, and feeling it as I fall as though in slow motion that I know my frail, still tender arms aren't going to catch me, and they're out and they're in front but they're never going to hold
and
My eyes open again, and even from my bed, I can see the blink, blink, blink and flicker of the lights in the city from our house, this creaking pile atop the hill north of the city. We're safe here now. Safer now there's less glass. And don't think I don't see that the kitchen drawer locks, mother. As if I'd resort to that depth of cliché. You don't understand it, you never have. And even that's a cliché, and you don't even get that I know it, that's one of the bits that hurts and bites and catches in my throat overthedinnertableandpolitesopolitedontmentionthatletsskirtarounditconversation the most. It must be late in the night, or very early in the morning. I don't quite get when it switches from being one to the other, they flow uncomfortably into each other in a way that makes me uneasy. Jostling and juggling between one and the other, we're always in transition always moving from one state to each other and people say that it's not the journey but the destination or maybe it's the other way around, but I think it has to be both, you can't have a good journey if you're on your way to die, and we are all, all, every one of us on our way to die, we just have to try and line up everything in between. Delineate, deter from ambiguity, much preferred. Outside though, there's a bird who's singing, something cheerful about the need to feed his family. Ambiguity is probably better considered when you don't need to worry quite so fucking much about where your next meal is coming from. The glow over the back of the horizon tells me that the sun will be coming up soon, and I will face another day.
Consequence, follows action, regardless of intention, and by any intentions and rhyme or reason I should not have been here. I should not have been able to lift, and drink from, and caress the cold stem of, my breath condensing against the side of, that glass that ended up in the river, spilled any unhappy, and empty, no longer half full or half empty just a thing, an empty vessel.
`
Ever since I was born, or at least since I stopped being a solpisist, I started to corrode. I might start retreating back into that, maybe I already have. How would I even know? But I suspect, strongly suspect, and it burns, and hurts a little every time I think it, that no-one else feels like this. No-one, in the history of the world, in hundreds and thousands of millions of people, has ever felt this way. How vain.
Every day I decay a little, and with each passing minute and second and hour, another slice, slice, slice of my life, my existence, my whole is lopped off. We call this living, and we do it because we must. There is more than intent, more than just being, and more than just living. That's what the others could never understand, that's why we fought bitterly, tears and hoarse throats, drained and empty, hollowing inside out. The road to hell is, as they say, paved with good intentions, and that's why well meaning actions that result in nothing – well it's nothing short of death. Bad intent, the worst intent that you have in your darkest, bitterest moments, that results in beauty is far beyond death, because the dissonance is too great for us to handle, to comprehend. Now I realise, as the seconds and minutes and hours are shaved away that they lack a something the others call life, experience, living.
Through the window, I should have shut the curtains before retreating to bed last night, every night, I do it and every morning I wake before dawn, even in the grey wasteland we call weather, before dawn and wonder why I didn't do it. But through the window, and through the haze, the sun is audaciously starting to creep over the horizon off to the side of the city. Soon light will stream into windows, and people all over the place will blink, and yawn, and throw off their comforters and comforts and push themselves out into the world for another harsh day. Protecting themselves by insulating themselves from feeling, coating the wire. Inert glassware to carry the vicious acids that form our day to day lives. Or theirs. I'm not sure it's mine anymore, I think I threw all that away when I
glass tumbled
My eyes open again. It's the last big weekend before the weather turns and our clothes turn longer and warmer and hide our bare flesh away from prying, inquisitive eyes. The end of the century, it feels like. Eight weeks out of that bed, and my legs are still unsteady, far unsteadier than my mind is now, for once. They betray me and wobble and wave, and they're not helped by this deck that holds prying, inquisitive eyes. Eyes who stand on the other side of the bar on the boat on the river in the city that barely seems to sleep and never really seems to wake up and don't even look abashed as they stare at my arms, for once not hidden by sleeves or some other tailor's trick of gauze, and linen and art, and doesn't she look so elegant? Clumsily covered with makeup, concealer misnamed, my exposed upper limbs are a call to abuse, none of it original, none of it new, and none of it knew, not really, what you go through to get there, unless I'd been in some terrible vehicular accident, and even at that it was rude to make assumptions and ruder to point and look and everything else, and even ruder to, oh fuck it. I threw the drink, glass and all over the rail, it splashing gently, can't even tell if it smashed, probably from this height above the water. Looking, I couldn't see the glass, but I could see, just about dispersed the bloodstain it had left in the water, before the holy baptismal of the river washed it away, diluted and eventually draining away into the ocean. A snigger from the eyes on the other side of the bar. I put my weight on the ball of my foot and feel my thighs tremor as they decide whether or not they're willing to take this kind of abuse and they decide that they do for this time maybe just this time, and let the world rotate around me, and walk off the boat, stupid boat on the river. I sigh. I'll sleep later.
If it has to be, then our – my – entire purpose has to be, as we corrode and crumble into nothingness every day, that we make something new. All of my intentions must be devoted to that end or we are all for nought, regardless of what the others, the faceless, and the leader may do to us. Even under the heaviest burden of oppression and influence we can still create that something new, something special, the original from which all others are derived. That, and only that can give the hours and seconds and minutes value, and meaning, and purpose.
I sigh. For now, I sleep.
Deep breath. Push down. Pull the arms back. The wave of nausea rising up like a tree growing through me in fast forward, a hundred years of growth in a few seconds. The french doors rattle backwards against the frame as I lean back and instinctively try and extricate myself. I fight the natural urge and try and force myself to relax. I can feel the blood in my temple. Glass tumbles through the air. The house is quiet, one of those rare occasions I'm left to my own devices. Probably for the best if I'm honest. If my mother only knew. Well. Now that I even think about it, she probably does, they always do. But they choose not to. Selective deafness and mis-thinking is a common factor in our family. None of the things I've said or done can possibly be true, so they choose to ignore it.
Force myself to relax and push down again. I should have used the floor bolts to stop the doors moving about. Well, maybe next time. The ridiculousness of the thought made me laugh, even now. Around my feet, the blood pooled, seeping into the carpet, warm and slippery. It sluiced down the partial pane and onto the frame, dripped and flowed unevenly from there, some of it finding its way back onto the frames below, coating them as well. It's surprisingly sunny today, a rare piece of azure in the sky instead of the usual slate grey. Doesn't help my finality any though. [here I could exert myself, my final power, a final act.]
My head lolled forward as I saw the first of the black patches cross my vision. Had to stay upright, till I went properly. I knew that when I fell while my hands were still grasping for the world on the other side of the glass that the wood and glass would shatter more, ripping and tearing at what was left of my arms. I feel my stomach pulling in on itself at the very thought. Tendons would shred, muscle would divorce from bone, ligaments shorn. The more thoroughly I blacked out the less likely that the final coup de grace as I went forward through the rest of the glass would wake me up. The benefits of forward planning; and bitter experience.
It's
not
likeillrem
with a jerk I came back from the semi conscious tilt. My breath inhaled sharply and chillingly through lips as the glass in my forearm bit in unexpectedly.
“Elizabeth? What are you...”
An inrush of wind and dust and leaves as my mother rushes in, dropping the shopping bags. I her the eggs crack as they land. She'll be mad at me for that later, ifI
My eyes open again I feel hands, arms under mine, supporting the weight, trying to lift me off the glass that's jutting into my arm like an iceberg, the rest of the doorframe under the water, it certainly looks that way nowflooringfloodingandflyinginblackandwhiteand
“Oh my god, please, please hurry. My baby girl, my Elizabeth, my...”
My eyes open again. The ceiling rose is dirty. I wince at the fabric biting into my arms below the elbow. My eyes close.
My eyes open again. And again and again. And now it's the height of summer, the day before my 18th, and I lay here in the pristine hospital bed, the nurses fussing brusquely around me. They know why I was here. The severed tendons and brutalised muscles in my arms are, truly, honestly the least of that girls problems, I don't know why she did it, poor thing, I mean look at her, I wish I looked like her, how can a girl who looks like that, cheer up darling, if I looked like you I wouldn't have a care in the world, smile from that pretty face there we go but you should let it reach your eyes once in a while fuckofffuckofffuckfoffyoudontyou'venevereventried to as if that was the only thing that mattered, that they could never understand, my inability, my failure, my fucking bitter, bile spitting failure, to bring something, anything, that burned with the fire of the new, that would scorch the sky and tame the earth because it was fresh in a way that made people's heads spin and minds reel. I sighed again and slept.
My eyes open again. And again and again and again. And now it's more white sheets and institutional green walls, and the physiotherapist holding me under the arm, just less than the barest amount to keep me standing upright and mobile, coaxing and willing and hoping that my wasted muscles, between the malnutrition and time in the bed being turned and turned and turned by well meaning but lost, hopeless, awful people, my legs are unhappy at best and wilfully disobediant and thin and beautiful at worst. And falling less than an arm's length from the bar, and feeling it as I fall as though in slow motion that I know my frail, still tender arms aren't going to catch me, and they're out and they're in front but they're never going to hold
and
My eyes open again, and even from my bed, I can see the blink, blink, blink and flicker of the lights in the city from our house, this creaking pile atop the hill north of the city. We're safe here now. Safer now there's less glass. And don't think I don't see that the kitchen drawer locks, mother. As if I'd resort to that depth of cliché. You don't understand it, you never have. And even that's a cliché, and you don't even get that I know it, that's one of the bits that hurts and bites and catches in my throat overthedinnertableandpolitesopolitedontmentionthatletsskirtarounditconversation the most. It must be late in the night, or very early in the morning. I don't quite get when it switches from being one to the other, they flow uncomfortably into each other in a way that makes me uneasy. Jostling and juggling between one and the other, we're always in transition always moving from one state to each other and people say that it's not the journey but the destination or maybe it's the other way around, but I think it has to be both, you can't have a good journey if you're on your way to die, and we are all, all, every one of us on our way to die, we just have to try and line up everything in between. Delineate, deter from ambiguity, much preferred. Outside though, there's a bird who's singing, something cheerful about the need to feed his family. Ambiguity is probably better considered when you don't need to worry quite so fucking much about where your next meal is coming from. The glow over the back of the horizon tells me that the sun will be coming up soon, and I will face another day.
Consequence, follows action, regardless of intention, and by any intentions and rhyme or reason I should not have been here. I should not have been able to lift, and drink from, and caress the cold stem of, my breath condensing against the side of, that glass that ended up in the river, spilled any unhappy, and empty, no longer half full or half empty just a thing, an empty vessel.
`
Ever since I was born, or at least since I stopped being a solpisist, I started to corrode. I might start retreating back into that, maybe I already have. How would I even know? But I suspect, strongly suspect, and it burns, and hurts a little every time I think it, that no-one else feels like this. No-one, in the history of the world, in hundreds and thousands of millions of people, has ever felt this way. How vain.
Every day I decay a little, and with each passing minute and second and hour, another slice, slice, slice of my life, my existence, my whole is lopped off. We call this living, and we do it because we must. There is more than intent, more than just being, and more than just living. That's what the others could never understand, that's why we fought bitterly, tears and hoarse throats, drained and empty, hollowing inside out. The road to hell is, as they say, paved with good intentions, and that's why well meaning actions that result in nothing – well it's nothing short of death. Bad intent, the worst intent that you have in your darkest, bitterest moments, that results in beauty is far beyond death, because the dissonance is too great for us to handle, to comprehend. Now I realise, as the seconds and minutes and hours are shaved away that they lack a something the others call life, experience, living.
Through the window, I should have shut the curtains before retreating to bed last night, every night, I do it and every morning I wake before dawn, even in the grey wasteland we call weather, before dawn and wonder why I didn't do it. But through the window, and through the haze, the sun is audaciously starting to creep over the horizon off to the side of the city. Soon light will stream into windows, and people all over the place will blink, and yawn, and throw off their comforters and comforts and push themselves out into the world for another harsh day. Protecting themselves by insulating themselves from feeling, coating the wire. Inert glassware to carry the vicious acids that form our day to day lives. Or theirs. I'm not sure it's mine anymore, I think I threw all that away when I
glass tumbled
My eyes open again. It's the last big weekend before the weather turns and our clothes turn longer and warmer and hide our bare flesh away from prying, inquisitive eyes. The end of the century, it feels like. Eight weeks out of that bed, and my legs are still unsteady, far unsteadier than my mind is now, for once. They betray me and wobble and wave, and they're not helped by this deck that holds prying, inquisitive eyes. Eyes who stand on the other side of the bar on the boat on the river in the city that barely seems to sleep and never really seems to wake up and don't even look abashed as they stare at my arms, for once not hidden by sleeves or some other tailor's trick of gauze, and linen and art, and doesn't she look so elegant? Clumsily covered with makeup, concealer misnamed, my exposed upper limbs are a call to abuse, none of it original, none of it new, and none of it knew, not really, what you go through to get there, unless I'd been in some terrible vehicular accident, and even at that it was rude to make assumptions and ruder to point and look and everything else, and even ruder to, oh fuck it. I threw the drink, glass and all over the rail, it splashing gently, can't even tell if it smashed, probably from this height above the water. Looking, I couldn't see the glass, but I could see, just about dispersed the bloodstain it had left in the water, before the holy baptismal of the river washed it away, diluted and eventually draining away into the ocean. A snigger from the eyes on the other side of the bar. I put my weight on the ball of my foot and feel my thighs tremor as they decide whether or not they're willing to take this kind of abuse and they decide that they do for this time maybe just this time, and let the world rotate around me, and walk off the boat, stupid boat on the river. I sigh. I'll sleep later.
If it has to be, then our – my – entire purpose has to be, as we corrode and crumble into nothingness every day, that we make something new. All of my intentions must be devoted to that end or we are all for nought, regardless of what the others, the faceless, and the leader may do to us. Even under the heaviest burden of oppression and influence we can still create that something new, something special, the original from which all others are derived. That, and only that can give the hours and seconds and minutes value, and meaning, and purpose.
I sigh. For now, I sleep.
Sunday 18 April 2010
The danger of binarism.
Behind me, this time, are the barely massed arrays of bodies and faces and minds who object. All of those who made the choice that they weren't. And in pockets and bags and jackets and hoods, there are surprises and stories and anger incarnate.
Sunday 11 April 2010
Monday 29 March 2010
Exercise 1
In under 30 minutes, with no distractions, improvise in prose on the topics below. The word count should be at least 500.
A Voyage Round Your Bedroom
Through the oversize portal they came. Across galaxies and stellar arms of green and blue and grey they came. Through the oversize portal, of mindboggling size, a thousand times the size of the ship, bounded by organic matter, with transparent matter fixed. At regular, almost pre-ordained intervals, the portal would open, and great gaseous clouds would emanate. For a long time now, the high priests of space flight had been determined to map this most enigmatic of phenomena. Was it a signal, a form of crude language? Many had debated that in fact the deep, booming noises that centred vibrated from the portals, the dual portals in fact, although one never opened, simply its colour changed from year to year, the booming noises and colour changes were some crude language: or some base form of an incredibly complicated language.
Through the oversize portal they came, timing it so the eruptions of gas had ended, and before the window of opportunity was lost, into the darker interior of the portal, beyond where any Moo or Mar had gone before.
Landing on the nearest elavated plane, they found the surface soft underfoot, vast lines of interwoven cabling stretching as far as their eyes could see. Soft, damp, almost tropical feeling. One of the explorers look at his instrumentation and took a deep breath inside his helmet. Posterity would tell as he unclipped the safety bolts around his neck and popped his own lid, a tiny gasp of air escaping as the pressures equalised. His colleagues looked around in horror, but after all, he was the chief Mar, ahead of all the Moos in their carefully defined social strata.
After a pause and a tentative sniff of the air, he took a deep breath.
“Almost fetid. There's no sign of anything alive here, and yet it smells bestial.”
The underling nearest him nodded and said “you'll forgive us then, if we don't take our helmets off? We're here to map, not to sniff strange stenches that we may never know the effect of.”
The leader's shoulders shook slightly as he silently laughed. “That's fine. And I won't mention it when we get back, that you were too afraid. No matter, you'll know.”
The underling turned away, cheeks reddening, neck flushing with shame and anger and disdain. He could take his helmet off if he wanted. In fact. His helmet. That was the answer. He stepped smartly forward towards his superior, who half turned in surprise.
“What are you,” he began, but was cut short by the crunch of his underling's helmet faceplate impacting into his nose. He recoiled in pain and anger, and began to reach for the bush knife on his belt, but the underling, shorter but faster and stronger, grabbed him and butted him again, the blood smearing and distorting his vision, and again, and again and again. The superior went limp in his hands and he pushed him back, throwing the rag doll corpse away.
“Clean me,” he said, staring into the bloody dark caused by the matter slowly sliding down his faceplate. He felt the rush as two of the others who had been standing by in mute horror moved to grab something, anything, he didn't see what, to clean the face plate. Still smeared, but with their wide eyed faces visible, he looked at them.
“This is a dangerous place, with dangerous air, and animals. Let's get back to the ship and take some readings, and scout from the air. It's the only way to be sure. Once we're on the way back to the portal, we can mourn the loss of our great Mar chief, may his name never be forgotten, but never spoken.”
With the invocation at the end of his speech he looked at his colleagues threateningly. They looked between each other and returned the invocation. “May his name never be spoken but never be forgotten.”
He nodded approvingly, and stared over the precipice a small distance away from them, sheer and geometrically straight.
“We'll dispose of the body over there, from the ship.”
The two looked again, and shrugged. The social order had been upset, but was reestablishing itself. They picked up the body, one to the legs and one to the arms, and trudged aboard the ship. In a short while, they came through the oversize portal, one lighter, one free.
A Voyage Round Your Bedroom
Through the oversize portal they came. Across galaxies and stellar arms of green and blue and grey they came. Through the oversize portal, of mindboggling size, a thousand times the size of the ship, bounded by organic matter, with transparent matter fixed. At regular, almost pre-ordained intervals, the portal would open, and great gaseous clouds would emanate. For a long time now, the high priests of space flight had been determined to map this most enigmatic of phenomena. Was it a signal, a form of crude language? Many had debated that in fact the deep, booming noises that centred vibrated from the portals, the dual portals in fact, although one never opened, simply its colour changed from year to year, the booming noises and colour changes were some crude language: or some base form of an incredibly complicated language.
Through the oversize portal they came, timing it so the eruptions of gas had ended, and before the window of opportunity was lost, into the darker interior of the portal, beyond where any Moo or Mar had gone before.
Landing on the nearest elavated plane, they found the surface soft underfoot, vast lines of interwoven cabling stretching as far as their eyes could see. Soft, damp, almost tropical feeling. One of the explorers look at his instrumentation and took a deep breath inside his helmet. Posterity would tell as he unclipped the safety bolts around his neck and popped his own lid, a tiny gasp of air escaping as the pressures equalised. His colleagues looked around in horror, but after all, he was the chief Mar, ahead of all the Moos in their carefully defined social strata.
After a pause and a tentative sniff of the air, he took a deep breath.
“Almost fetid. There's no sign of anything alive here, and yet it smells bestial.”
The underling nearest him nodded and said “you'll forgive us then, if we don't take our helmets off? We're here to map, not to sniff strange stenches that we may never know the effect of.”
The leader's shoulders shook slightly as he silently laughed. “That's fine. And I won't mention it when we get back, that you were too afraid. No matter, you'll know.”
The underling turned away, cheeks reddening, neck flushing with shame and anger and disdain. He could take his helmet off if he wanted. In fact. His helmet. That was the answer. He stepped smartly forward towards his superior, who half turned in surprise.
“What are you,” he began, but was cut short by the crunch of his underling's helmet faceplate impacting into his nose. He recoiled in pain and anger, and began to reach for the bush knife on his belt, but the underling, shorter but faster and stronger, grabbed him and butted him again, the blood smearing and distorting his vision, and again, and again and again. The superior went limp in his hands and he pushed him back, throwing the rag doll corpse away.
“Clean me,” he said, staring into the bloody dark caused by the matter slowly sliding down his faceplate. He felt the rush as two of the others who had been standing by in mute horror moved to grab something, anything, he didn't see what, to clean the face plate. Still smeared, but with their wide eyed faces visible, he looked at them.
“This is a dangerous place, with dangerous air, and animals. Let's get back to the ship and take some readings, and scout from the air. It's the only way to be sure. Once we're on the way back to the portal, we can mourn the loss of our great Mar chief, may his name never be forgotten, but never spoken.”
With the invocation at the end of his speech he looked at his colleagues threateningly. They looked between each other and returned the invocation. “May his name never be spoken but never be forgotten.”
He nodded approvingly, and stared over the precipice a small distance away from them, sheer and geometrically straight.
“We'll dispose of the body over there, from the ship.”
The two looked again, and shrugged. The social order had been upset, but was reestablishing itself. They picked up the body, one to the legs and one to the arms, and trudged aboard the ship. In a short while, they came through the oversize portal, one lighter, one free.
Wednesday 17 March 2010
With a suddenness that almost cracked in the silent wasteland, she strode towards me, the snow crunching and ice crackling underfoot. Close enough that I could see the pores on her face, the individual eyelashes, memories of them clumped together, us laying on the couch, collapsing in a fit of giggles, laughing at something from earlier in the night, watching the sun come up. That conversation that you have, all night and into the morning, till the sky pinkens and cracks the shield of safe night, bringing you into another day, the excitement in the pit of your stomach. Sometimes it doesn't stop.
And if it doesn't, then you should grab it and hold it as though your life, your very existence in the universe depends on it, because it does, in a way that I couldn't even begin to comprehend then. It goes to the heart of everything, and you run for it and grab it and hold it, and hope, with all the pitiful self-interest in the shallow cesspool of your heart that the other thinks the same. Because then, just then, you have a chance. Sometimes though, the conversation stops. And I knew then, just then that I had none.
And if it doesn't, then you should grab it and hold it as though your life, your very existence in the universe depends on it, because it does, in a way that I couldn't even begin to comprehend then. It goes to the heart of everything, and you run for it and grab it and hold it, and hope, with all the pitiful self-interest in the shallow cesspool of your heart that the other thinks the same. Because then, just then, you have a chance. Sometimes though, the conversation stops. And I knew then, just then that I had none.
Thursday 11 March 2010
Smash. Glass tumbles. Spinning through the air, end on end, the shards arc away, glittering and flitting and flying through the early spring light coming through the main windows. The tinkle and patter as it lands is a contrast to the brutal sound of the pane smashing and breaking, en route to violation.
Deep breath. Push down. Pull the arms back. The wave of nausea rising up like a tree growing through me in fast forward, a hundred years of growth in a few seconds. The french doors rattle backwards against the frame as I lean back and instinctively try and extricate myself. I fight the natural urge and try and force myself to relax. I can feel the blood in my temple. Glass tumbles through the air. The house is quiet, one of those rare occasions I'm left to my own devices. Probably for the best if I'm honest.
Force myself to relax and push down again. I should have used the floor bolts to stop the doors moving about. Well, maybe next time. The ridiculousness of the thought made me laugh, even now. Around my feet, the blood pooled, seeping into the carpet, warm and slippery. It sluiced down the partial pane and onto the frame, dripped and flowed unevenly from there, some of it finding its way back onto the frames below, coating them as well. It's surprisingly sunny today, a rare piece of azure in the sky instead of the usual slate grey. Doesn't help my finality any though. [here I could exert myself, my final power, a final act.]
My head lolled forward as I saw the first of the black patches cross my vision. Had to stay upright, till I went properly. I knew that when I fell while my hands were still grasping for the world on the other side of the glass that the wood and glass would shatter more, ripping and tearing at what was left of my arms. Tendons would shread, muscle would divorce from bone, ligaments shorn. The more thoroughly I blacked out the less likely that the final coup de grace as I went forward through the rest of the glass would wake me up. The benefits of forward planning; and bitter experience.
It's
not
likeillrem
with a jerk I came back from the semi conscious tilt. My breath inhaled sharply and chillingly through lips as the glass in my forearm bit in unexpectedly.
“Elizabeth? What are you...”
An inrush of wind and dust and leaves as my mother rushes in, dropping the shopping bags. I her the eggs crack as they land. She'll be mad at me for that later, ifI
My eyes open again I feel hands, arms under mine, supporting the weight, trying to lift me off the glass that's jutting into my arm like an iceberg, the rest of the doorframe under the water, it certainly looks that way nowflooringfloodingandflyinginblackandwhiteand
“Oh my god, please, please hurry. My baby girl, my Elizabeth, my...”
My eyes open again. The ceiling rose is dirty. I wince at the fabric biting into my arms below the elbow. My eyes close.
My eyes open again. And again and again. And now it's the height of summer, the day before my 18th, and I lay here in the pristine hospital bed, the nurses fussing brusquely around me. They know why I was here. The severed tendons and brutalised muscles in my arms are, truly, honestly the least of that girls problems, I don't know why she did it, poor thing, I mean look at her, I wish I looked like her, as if that was the only thing that mattered, that they could never understand, my inability, my failure, my fucking bitter, bile spitting failure, to bring something, anything, that burned with the fire of the new, that would scorch the sky and tame the earth because it was fresh in a way that made people's heads spin and minds reel. I sighed again and slept.
My eyes open again. It's the feel of the last big weekend before the weather turns and our clothes turn longer and warmer and hide our bare flesh away from prying, inquisitive eyes. Three weeks out of that bad, and my legs are still unsteady, far unsteadier than my mind is now. They betray me and wobble and wave, and they're not helped by this deck that holds prying, inquisitive eyes. Eyes who stand on the other side of the bar on the boat on the river and don't even look abashed as they stare at my arms, for once not hidden by sleeves or some other tailor's trick of gauze, and linen and artfully, and doesn't she look so elegant? Clumsily covered with makeup, concealer misnamed, my exposed upper limbs are a call to abuse, none of it original, none of it new, and none of it knew, not really, what you go through to get there, unless I'd been in some terrible vehicular accident, and even at that it was rude to make assumptions and ruder to point and look and everything else, and even ruder to, oh fuck it. I threw the drink, glass and all over the rail, it splashing gently, can't even tell if it smashed, probably from this height above the water. Looking, I couldn't see the glass, but I could see, just about dispersed the bloodstain it had left in the water, before the holy baptismal of the river washed it away, diluted and eventually draining away into the ocean. A snigger from the eyes on the other side of the bar. I put my weight on the ball of my foot and let the world rotate around me, and walk off the boat, stupid boat on the river. I sigh. I'll sleep later.
My eyes open, and even from my bed, I can see the blink, blink, blink and flicker of the lights in the city from our house, this creaking pile atop the hill north of the city. We're safe here now. Safer now there's less glass. And don't think I don't see that the kitchen drawer locks, mother. As if I'd resort to that depth of cliché. You don't understand it, you never have. It must be late in the night, or very early in the morning. I don't quite get when it switches from being one to the other, they flow uncomfortably into each other in a way that makes me easy. Delineate, deter from ambiguity, much preferred. Outside though, there's a bird who's singing, something cheerful about the need to feed his family. Ambiguity is probably better considered when you don't need to worry quite so fucking much about where your next meal is coming from. The glow over the back of the horizon tells me that the sun will be coming up soon, and I will face another day.
Consequence, follows action, regardless of intention, and by any intentions and rhyme or reason I should not have been here. I should not have been able to lift, and drink from, and caress the cold stem of, my breath condensing against the side of, that glass that ended up in the river, spilled any unhappy, and empty, no longer half full or half empty just a thing, an empty vessel.
`
Ever since I was born, or at least since I stopped being a solpisist, I started to corrode. I might start retreating back into that, maybe I already have. How would I even know? But I suspect, strongly suspect, and it burns, and hurts a little every time I think it, that no-one else feels like this. No-one, in the history of the world, in hundreds and thousands of millions of people, has ever felt this way. How vain.
Every day I decay a little, and with each passing minute and second and hour, another slice, slice, slice of my life, my existence, my whole is lopped off. We call this living, and we do it because we must. There is more than intent, more than just being, and more than just living. That's what the others could never understand, that's why we fought bitterly, tears and hoarse throats, drained and empty, hollowing inside out. The road to hell is, as they say, paved with good intentions, and that's why well meaning actions that result in nothing – well it's nothing short of death. Bad intent, the worst intent that you have in your darkest, bitterest moments, that results in beauty is far beyond death, because the dissonance is too great for us to handle, to comprehend. Now I realise, as the seconds and minutes and hours are shaved away that they lack a something the others call life, experience, living.
Through the window, I should have shut the curtains before retreating to bed last night, every night, I do it and every morning I wake before dawn, even in the grey wasteland we call weather, before dawn and wonder why I didn't do it. But through the window, and through the haze, the sun is audaciously starting to creep over the horizon off to the side of the city. Soon light will stream into windows, and people all over the place will blink, and yawn, and throw off their comforters and comforts and push themselves out into the world for another harsh day. Protecting themselves by insulating themselves from feeling, coating the wire. Inert glassware to carry the vicious acids.
If it has to be, then our – my – entire purpose has to be, as we corrode and crumble into nothingness every day, that we make something new. All of my intentions must be devoted to that end or we are all for nought, regardless of what the others, the faceless, and the leader may do to us. Even under the heaviest burden of oppression and influence we can still create that something new, something special, the original from which all others are derived. That, and only that can give the hours and seconds and minutes value, and meaning, and purpose.
I sigh. For now, I sleep.
Deep breath. Push down. Pull the arms back. The wave of nausea rising up like a tree growing through me in fast forward, a hundred years of growth in a few seconds. The french doors rattle backwards against the frame as I lean back and instinctively try and extricate myself. I fight the natural urge and try and force myself to relax. I can feel the blood in my temple. Glass tumbles through the air. The house is quiet, one of those rare occasions I'm left to my own devices. Probably for the best if I'm honest.
Force myself to relax and push down again. I should have used the floor bolts to stop the doors moving about. Well, maybe next time. The ridiculousness of the thought made me laugh, even now. Around my feet, the blood pooled, seeping into the carpet, warm and slippery. It sluiced down the partial pane and onto the frame, dripped and flowed unevenly from there, some of it finding its way back onto the frames below, coating them as well. It's surprisingly sunny today, a rare piece of azure in the sky instead of the usual slate grey. Doesn't help my finality any though. [here I could exert myself, my final power, a final act.]
My head lolled forward as I saw the first of the black patches cross my vision. Had to stay upright, till I went properly. I knew that when I fell while my hands were still grasping for the world on the other side of the glass that the wood and glass would shatter more, ripping and tearing at what was left of my arms. Tendons would shread, muscle would divorce from bone, ligaments shorn. The more thoroughly I blacked out the less likely that the final coup de grace as I went forward through the rest of the glass would wake me up. The benefits of forward planning; and bitter experience.
It's
not
likeillrem
with a jerk I came back from the semi conscious tilt. My breath inhaled sharply and chillingly through lips as the glass in my forearm bit in unexpectedly.
“Elizabeth? What are you...”
An inrush of wind and dust and leaves as my mother rushes in, dropping the shopping bags. I her the eggs crack as they land. She'll be mad at me for that later, ifI
My eyes open again I feel hands, arms under mine, supporting the weight, trying to lift me off the glass that's jutting into my arm like an iceberg, the rest of the doorframe under the water, it certainly looks that way nowflooringfloodingandflyinginblackandwhiteand
“Oh my god, please, please hurry. My baby girl, my Elizabeth, my...”
My eyes open again. The ceiling rose is dirty. I wince at the fabric biting into my arms below the elbow. My eyes close.
My eyes open again. And again and again. And now it's the height of summer, the day before my 18th, and I lay here in the pristine hospital bed, the nurses fussing brusquely around me. They know why I was here. The severed tendons and brutalised muscles in my arms are, truly, honestly the least of that girls problems, I don't know why she did it, poor thing, I mean look at her, I wish I looked like her, as if that was the only thing that mattered, that they could never understand, my inability, my failure, my fucking bitter, bile spitting failure, to bring something, anything, that burned with the fire of the new, that would scorch the sky and tame the earth because it was fresh in a way that made people's heads spin and minds reel. I sighed again and slept.
My eyes open again. It's the feel of the last big weekend before the weather turns and our clothes turn longer and warmer and hide our bare flesh away from prying, inquisitive eyes. Three weeks out of that bad, and my legs are still unsteady, far unsteadier than my mind is now. They betray me and wobble and wave, and they're not helped by this deck that holds prying, inquisitive eyes. Eyes who stand on the other side of the bar on the boat on the river and don't even look abashed as they stare at my arms, for once not hidden by sleeves or some other tailor's trick of gauze, and linen and artfully, and doesn't she look so elegant? Clumsily covered with makeup, concealer misnamed, my exposed upper limbs are a call to abuse, none of it original, none of it new, and none of it knew, not really, what you go through to get there, unless I'd been in some terrible vehicular accident, and even at that it was rude to make assumptions and ruder to point and look and everything else, and even ruder to, oh fuck it. I threw the drink, glass and all over the rail, it splashing gently, can't even tell if it smashed, probably from this height above the water. Looking, I couldn't see the glass, but I could see, just about dispersed the bloodstain it had left in the water, before the holy baptismal of the river washed it away, diluted and eventually draining away into the ocean. A snigger from the eyes on the other side of the bar. I put my weight on the ball of my foot and let the world rotate around me, and walk off the boat, stupid boat on the river. I sigh. I'll sleep later.
My eyes open, and even from my bed, I can see the blink, blink, blink and flicker of the lights in the city from our house, this creaking pile atop the hill north of the city. We're safe here now. Safer now there's less glass. And don't think I don't see that the kitchen drawer locks, mother. As if I'd resort to that depth of cliché. You don't understand it, you never have. It must be late in the night, or very early in the morning. I don't quite get when it switches from being one to the other, they flow uncomfortably into each other in a way that makes me easy. Delineate, deter from ambiguity, much preferred. Outside though, there's a bird who's singing, something cheerful about the need to feed his family. Ambiguity is probably better considered when you don't need to worry quite so fucking much about where your next meal is coming from. The glow over the back of the horizon tells me that the sun will be coming up soon, and I will face another day.
Consequence, follows action, regardless of intention, and by any intentions and rhyme or reason I should not have been here. I should not have been able to lift, and drink from, and caress the cold stem of, my breath condensing against the side of, that glass that ended up in the river, spilled any unhappy, and empty, no longer half full or half empty just a thing, an empty vessel.
`
Ever since I was born, or at least since I stopped being a solpisist, I started to corrode. I might start retreating back into that, maybe I already have. How would I even know? But I suspect, strongly suspect, and it burns, and hurts a little every time I think it, that no-one else feels like this. No-one, in the history of the world, in hundreds and thousands of millions of people, has ever felt this way. How vain.
Every day I decay a little, and with each passing minute and second and hour, another slice, slice, slice of my life, my existence, my whole is lopped off. We call this living, and we do it because we must. There is more than intent, more than just being, and more than just living. That's what the others could never understand, that's why we fought bitterly, tears and hoarse throats, drained and empty, hollowing inside out. The road to hell is, as they say, paved with good intentions, and that's why well meaning actions that result in nothing – well it's nothing short of death. Bad intent, the worst intent that you have in your darkest, bitterest moments, that results in beauty is far beyond death, because the dissonance is too great for us to handle, to comprehend. Now I realise, as the seconds and minutes and hours are shaved away that they lack a something the others call life, experience, living.
Through the window, I should have shut the curtains before retreating to bed last night, every night, I do it and every morning I wake before dawn, even in the grey wasteland we call weather, before dawn and wonder why I didn't do it. But through the window, and through the haze, the sun is audaciously starting to creep over the horizon off to the side of the city. Soon light will stream into windows, and people all over the place will blink, and yawn, and throw off their comforters and comforts and push themselves out into the world for another harsh day. Protecting themselves by insulating themselves from feeling, coating the wire. Inert glassware to carry the vicious acids.
If it has to be, then our – my – entire purpose has to be, as we corrode and crumble into nothingness every day, that we make something new. All of my intentions must be devoted to that end or we are all for nought, regardless of what the others, the faceless, and the leader may do to us. Even under the heaviest burden of oppression and influence we can still create that something new, something special, the original from which all others are derived. That, and only that can give the hours and seconds and minutes value, and meaning, and purpose.
I sigh. For now, I sleep.
Saturday 6 February 2010
A girl once said.
A girl once said:
Standing there in the afternoon sun, uncomfortable and harsh on our faces. On the hill we looked down on the city, him taking my hand and turning me to face him. Bringing both hands up against my face. Telling me, telling me that it had to be this way, that the only way you could be sure was to know, not just feel, but know, that in the pit of your stomach, in the hollow of your pitted, gnawing, wounded soul, that every action the other took was capable of tearing your heart or filling it completely. The complete range. It had to be there, and sometimes, sometimes, often, that made it so much harder, because you've chosen not to accept the mediocrity around you. That sometimes, that one will destroy you and lift you up in the same breath, absolutely poised on the fulcrum between the worlds, and just needing a push, a tilt, a lever to send you tumbling into the abyss or soaring into the troposphere.
The heat on my face dried the tears as quickly as they came, face tightening where they had been wet. Because I understood.
Standing there in the afternoon sun, uncomfortable and harsh on our faces. On the hill we looked down on the city, him taking my hand and turning me to face him. Bringing both hands up against my face. Telling me, telling me that it had to be this way, that the only way you could be sure was to know, not just feel, but know, that in the pit of your stomach, in the hollow of your pitted, gnawing, wounded soul, that every action the other took was capable of tearing your heart or filling it completely. The complete range. It had to be there, and sometimes, sometimes, often, that made it so much harder, because you've chosen not to accept the mediocrity around you. That sometimes, that one will destroy you and lift you up in the same breath, absolutely poised on the fulcrum between the worlds, and just needing a push, a tilt, a lever to send you tumbling into the abyss or soaring into the troposphere.
The heat on my face dried the tears as quickly as they came, face tightening where they had been wet. Because I understood.
Monday 25 January 2010
They come, not in light.
Our enemies come, not with force and violence and noise, but with quiet arms that guide people softly but definitely into dark and darker places. No one knows and no one hears. Few surface.
They come with brutality selectively applied, rarely in the light of day. They come in stealth, in the dead of night, when man's heart is at its most fragile. They come when imagination and supposition can work its own work even before; before the gentle click, click, click of a lock being picked and opened. Click, click, click, a home becoming a house becoming just another building; an empty shell with the goods of half a home, half a life, a life that was ruined.
They come with brutality selectively applied, rarely in the light of day. They come in stealth, in the dead of night, when man's heart is at its most fragile. They come when imagination and supposition can work its own work even before; before the gentle click, click, click of a lock being picked and opened. Click, click, click, a home becoming a house becoming just another building; an empty shell with the goods of half a home, half a life, a life that was ruined.
Friday 22 January 2010
The Futility and The Fury
Imagine, just imagine, the futility, and the fury.
The first proper day of summer. The first big weekend beckoned, full of promise, but that wasn't today, not this time. The garden was green that day, the trees alive, dancing happily, touched gently by the breeze. Alone I walked slowly, transitioning from the short, trimmed grass that indicated the border of the garden, and walked into the longer grass in the orchard. Shaded by the trees, it was cooler here too, suffering less in the baking heat, still not used to it. Too soon it would be gone and we'd complain, I supposed. That was an awfully long way away.
As I plodded, my foot caught an apple, aborted and fallen from the tree too early, hard. Probably sour. Not worth eating. I could wait till later when the ones on the tree were riper, and it would be difficult to walk under trees without Newtonian braeburns plummeting towards you.
With a roar that still scares even the well heeled businessman in 1A, I always turn left, not right, when I get on a plane, the aluminium beast lurches forward, rubber on tarmac, rushing and spinning, rolling noise decreasing. The push down into the pit of the stomach as the ragtag arrangement of latter saints and sinners, feathers and wax elegantly lifts three hundred and thirty five tonnes into the sky. Defiance.
I knelt down in the longer grass, the furry seed ears tickling my face as I flopped forward onto my stomach, making an indentation that would last for a few days: less if it rained. There were still trails and dens through some of the grass where the dogs had walked and run and frolicked earlier in the week. The sun had dried the grass out well, and it held in position, a kind of solar fixing glue. Maybe it wouldn't rain. I contemplated the log in front of me, mostly hollow now, some rotting wood still in the middle. Above I could hear a plane making its way through the sky, ferrying people to or from a holiday, no doubt. I used to look at them and wonder where they were going, where they had been, what their stories were. Not any more. I knew what I needed to do now.
Ding dong. As we have now reached our cruising altitude, the captain has turned off the seat belt signs. Yes, we've been before, we like it there. Such friendly people, and the food's lovely. Of course, the young ones like all the bars. You should feel free to move gingerly around this pressurised cigar tube that's hurtling through the upper reaches of where man can possibly live. Our cabin crew, who are inadequately trained and even more inadequately equipped to handle any real emergencies, will do their best to reassure you. In the event that anything untoward happens, please pay attention to our cabin crew's faces. Close attention. As we said during the cursory safety demonstration, please refrain from opening the external doors of the aircraft, as explosive decompression is no way to start a holiday. Ho ho ho.
I'd always been able to do it. Simply by placing my wrists together and forcing them forwards, the view would spin out and spiral away from me, up and away, the gardens and surrounding orchards becoming flat landscapes, terrain relief, then maps, then a globe. Energy would crackle across it, waves trying to ground to earth, ball lightning gathering on branches and streetlights, purple and black. Even from this height you can see the expression on my face, pain and fury, misery and anger, but tempered by the anticipation and wanting to smile at the vitality sucked from across the earth into my body. Jets of that power would burst forth at the command of my twitching wrist, splitting and burning wood. With enough effort I could bring to bear enough energy to knock aside anything. I had found it invaluable, but it had always been my secret. How do you begin to describe that to your friends, your family?
We will shortly be serving a small selection of drinks and snacks, to further distract you from your precarious position defying nature. You will be pleased to know that the alcohol and salty products we provide will serve only to dehydrate and disorient you further, greatly exacerbating your jet-lag on arrival. You will be similarly pleased to note that it will be three or four days before you have fully adjusted to the time difference and recovered from the dehydration. By this point, being people of mostly ill means, you will be preparing to return to your routine. We hope you enjoy the rest of the flight.
As I do it, the noise, the noise that begins is indescribable, but you need to try. A malevolent bass note, below the range of human ears, deafening and inaudible in its entirety; rising up through the crust of the earth and vibrating into the troposphere, stone shattering and ear splitting. It rises up through the pitches, and smashes objects from the sky, causing birds to stop and fall midflight, dead from the sonic force and venom. It's the noise of the firmament being burst asunder, split in half between the warring brothers. When they hear it, one by one the pin-prick stars tremor and extinguish themselves.
The noise reaches the jet, making its way across the azure, shunning nature and gravity, testament to lift and elevation and the like. In their pressurised tomb, turbofans still roaring in the rarefied air, the passengers hear nothing yet. A finger idly flicks a page in the in-flight magazine. Oh look. They have that film you were wanting to see. Look. Look here.
In a moment, the shortest of moments, I'd push my hands forward, and all the gathered potential would channel in a furious burst. Purple, through pink and black, burning and freezing, a horizontal nuclear blast. Obliterating trees, blackening the grass underfoot. Turning people into skeletons, skeletons to powder that blows away in the gentle summer breeze, the trials of trivial men evaporated like milk on the stovetop.
I didn't want to see that film. It looks rubbish. You can watch it if you want. I think I'll try and sleep. Above the orchard, above the otherwise inconsequential figure at the centre of the electrical storm, the captain of the plane of happy holidaymakers looks over in alarm as a column of sheer crackling vigour blasts its way into the sky, smoke and cloud pouring into a boiling ring, towering five thousand, two hundred and eighty feet above the slight figure: still far below and uncomfortably close to the ground for a wide bodied jet. The plane shudders and yaws as the first shock waves reach it, the body of the plane unhappily rotating in space. In the cabin, passengers look up in surprise at the lateral movement, grabbing drinks and vacuum packets, lest they spill on their holiday clothes. Oh, I hate turbulence, don't you?
As I would turn, the stream of plasma would lash round like an oversized neon whip, lashing to the houses, dissolving first the structures; brick from stone, wood from brick, then the components themselves, bricks hack apart into sand, cement, backwards through time into straw, mud and clay. Everything is nothing in the face of the cold fires of fury and fear streaming from my arms.
The plane's progress halts, held in the sky only by the determination of the figure on the ground, and the impact of the shock waves. Slowly, ponderously, it rotates and tilts towards the orchard, the airframe screaming as it massively decelerates. With a ping, ping, ping of rivets, a crack appears around the body in front of the wing, the first class section twisting separately from the rest of the plane. The cabin crew freeze where they are, poised in the aisle, with heavy trolleys of distraction, knuckles whitening on the stowing handles. Wide eyes, mouths open, the merest beads on an abacus between the glossy lips, skin tone maintained by concealer and foundation and blusher, but inside, freezing, frozen, frosty hearts and stomachs, solid and knotted. Nearby passengers grasp the significance and find sudden solace in the God they once knew. We are all holy men now.
Soon the world around me would be carved and smoking, my arms burned and seared, satisfying as I walked through the crater, through the smoke towards whatever was left. One day, the world would end. Just like this. Today.
The passengers scream as the fuselage separates, seats ripping from the floor of the cabin, grabbed by an invisible toddler, towards his hungry maw, out into the cold air, the shock rendering the lucky unconscious. Still strapped into their plush seats, the unfortunate plummet, pell mell towards the ground, free from the effects of my force that pulls their vehicle inexorably towards me.
The noise reaches a crescendo, the crackling lightning pulling up my frame, creating a vacuum towards me, the electricity crowning me for a moment, an electrical halo for a mechanical messiah, the suffering of men about to be written and unleashed.
With the dullest of thuds, an impact more felt than heard, the first of the fortunates slams into the earth in a field some distance from me, further into rural solitude. The only witnesses are cows in the fields, who look with mild surprise, and return to their fealty to the grass. Milking time soon.
The white noise trembles the earth, then suddenly ceases. The cessation slams into the world like a hammer blow, the very opposite of noise.
The world breathes its last, as I close my eyes. The leaves rustle. I can feel the warm sunshine on my face, dappling through the treetops.
In the distance, I can hear a bird chattering. A swallow, perhaps.
As a thousand times before, I push my wrists together again, feeling the connection with millennia of history and force, channelled through me.
I take a breath, deeply and slowly, till my lungs scream on the point of bursting.
I prepare to release it. The end of everything.
For the barest second the sky flickers black, the world in negative. My muscles strip from sinew, sinew from bone, cleaving me apart joint by joint.
My mum shouts over the fence. It's dinnertime. This can wait.
The jet continues on its way, unmolested, undeterred. The passengers sip their complimentary drinks, and contemplate vacation time ahead.
Time to go in. I trot towards the fence. This can wait.
Imagine, the futility, and the fury.
The first proper day of summer. The first big weekend beckoned, full of promise, but that wasn't today, not this time. The garden was green that day, the trees alive, dancing happily, touched gently by the breeze. Alone I walked slowly, transitioning from the short, trimmed grass that indicated the border of the garden, and walked into the longer grass in the orchard. Shaded by the trees, it was cooler here too, suffering less in the baking heat, still not used to it. Too soon it would be gone and we'd complain, I supposed. That was an awfully long way away.
As I plodded, my foot caught an apple, aborted and fallen from the tree too early, hard. Probably sour. Not worth eating. I could wait till later when the ones on the tree were riper, and it would be difficult to walk under trees without Newtonian braeburns plummeting towards you.
With a roar that still scares even the well heeled businessman in 1A, I always turn left, not right, when I get on a plane, the aluminium beast lurches forward, rubber on tarmac, rushing and spinning, rolling noise decreasing. The push down into the pit of the stomach as the ragtag arrangement of latter saints and sinners, feathers and wax elegantly lifts three hundred and thirty five tonnes into the sky. Defiance.
I knelt down in the longer grass, the furry seed ears tickling my face as I flopped forward onto my stomach, making an indentation that would last for a few days: less if it rained. There were still trails and dens through some of the grass where the dogs had walked and run and frolicked earlier in the week. The sun had dried the grass out well, and it held in position, a kind of solar fixing glue. Maybe it wouldn't rain. I contemplated the log in front of me, mostly hollow now, some rotting wood still in the middle. Above I could hear a plane making its way through the sky, ferrying people to or from a holiday, no doubt. I used to look at them and wonder where they were going, where they had been, what their stories were. Not any more. I knew what I needed to do now.
Ding dong. As we have now reached our cruising altitude, the captain has turned off the seat belt signs. Yes, we've been before, we like it there. Such friendly people, and the food's lovely. Of course, the young ones like all the bars. You should feel free to move gingerly around this pressurised cigar tube that's hurtling through the upper reaches of where man can possibly live. Our cabin crew, who are inadequately trained and even more inadequately equipped to handle any real emergencies, will do their best to reassure you. In the event that anything untoward happens, please pay attention to our cabin crew's faces. Close attention. As we said during the cursory safety demonstration, please refrain from opening the external doors of the aircraft, as explosive decompression is no way to start a holiday. Ho ho ho.
I'd always been able to do it. Simply by placing my wrists together and forcing them forwards, the view would spin out and spiral away from me, up and away, the gardens and surrounding orchards becoming flat landscapes, terrain relief, then maps, then a globe. Energy would crackle across it, waves trying to ground to earth, ball lightning gathering on branches and streetlights, purple and black. Even from this height you can see the expression on my face, pain and fury, misery and anger, but tempered by the anticipation and wanting to smile at the vitality sucked from across the earth into my body. Jets of that power would burst forth at the command of my twitching wrist, splitting and burning wood. With enough effort I could bring to bear enough energy to knock aside anything. I had found it invaluable, but it had always been my secret. How do you begin to describe that to your friends, your family?
We will shortly be serving a small selection of drinks and snacks, to further distract you from your precarious position defying nature. You will be pleased to know that the alcohol and salty products we provide will serve only to dehydrate and disorient you further, greatly exacerbating your jet-lag on arrival. You will be similarly pleased to note that it will be three or four days before you have fully adjusted to the time difference and recovered from the dehydration. By this point, being people of mostly ill means, you will be preparing to return to your routine. We hope you enjoy the rest of the flight.
As I do it, the noise, the noise that begins is indescribable, but you need to try. A malevolent bass note, below the range of human ears, deafening and inaudible in its entirety; rising up through the crust of the earth and vibrating into the troposphere, stone shattering and ear splitting. It rises up through the pitches, and smashes objects from the sky, causing birds to stop and fall midflight, dead from the sonic force and venom. It's the noise of the firmament being burst asunder, split in half between the warring brothers. When they hear it, one by one the pin-prick stars tremor and extinguish themselves.
The noise reaches the jet, making its way across the azure, shunning nature and gravity, testament to lift and elevation and the like. In their pressurised tomb, turbofans still roaring in the rarefied air, the passengers hear nothing yet. A finger idly flicks a page in the in-flight magazine. Oh look. They have that film you were wanting to see. Look. Look here.
In a moment, the shortest of moments, I'd push my hands forward, and all the gathered potential would channel in a furious burst. Purple, through pink and black, burning and freezing, a horizontal nuclear blast. Obliterating trees, blackening the grass underfoot. Turning people into skeletons, skeletons to powder that blows away in the gentle summer breeze, the trials of trivial men evaporated like milk on the stovetop.
I didn't want to see that film. It looks rubbish. You can watch it if you want. I think I'll try and sleep. Above the orchard, above the otherwise inconsequential figure at the centre of the electrical storm, the captain of the plane of happy holidaymakers looks over in alarm as a column of sheer crackling vigour blasts its way into the sky, smoke and cloud pouring into a boiling ring, towering five thousand, two hundred and eighty feet above the slight figure: still far below and uncomfortably close to the ground for a wide bodied jet. The plane shudders and yaws as the first shock waves reach it, the body of the plane unhappily rotating in space. In the cabin, passengers look up in surprise at the lateral movement, grabbing drinks and vacuum packets, lest they spill on their holiday clothes. Oh, I hate turbulence, don't you?
As I would turn, the stream of plasma would lash round like an oversized neon whip, lashing to the houses, dissolving first the structures; brick from stone, wood from brick, then the components themselves, bricks hack apart into sand, cement, backwards through time into straw, mud and clay. Everything is nothing in the face of the cold fires of fury and fear streaming from my arms.
The plane's progress halts, held in the sky only by the determination of the figure on the ground, and the impact of the shock waves. Slowly, ponderously, it rotates and tilts towards the orchard, the airframe screaming as it massively decelerates. With a ping, ping, ping of rivets, a crack appears around the body in front of the wing, the first class section twisting separately from the rest of the plane. The cabin crew freeze where they are, poised in the aisle, with heavy trolleys of distraction, knuckles whitening on the stowing handles. Wide eyes, mouths open, the merest beads on an abacus between the glossy lips, skin tone maintained by concealer and foundation and blusher, but inside, freezing, frozen, frosty hearts and stomachs, solid and knotted. Nearby passengers grasp the significance and find sudden solace in the God they once knew. We are all holy men now.
Soon the world around me would be carved and smoking, my arms burned and seared, satisfying as I walked through the crater, through the smoke towards whatever was left. One day, the world would end. Just like this. Today.
The passengers scream as the fuselage separates, seats ripping from the floor of the cabin, grabbed by an invisible toddler, towards his hungry maw, out into the cold air, the shock rendering the lucky unconscious. Still strapped into their plush seats, the unfortunate plummet, pell mell towards the ground, free from the effects of my force that pulls their vehicle inexorably towards me.
The noise reaches a crescendo, the crackling lightning pulling up my frame, creating a vacuum towards me, the electricity crowning me for a moment, an electrical halo for a mechanical messiah, the suffering of men about to be written and unleashed.
With the dullest of thuds, an impact more felt than heard, the first of the fortunates slams into the earth in a field some distance from me, further into rural solitude. The only witnesses are cows in the fields, who look with mild surprise, and return to their fealty to the grass. Milking time soon.
The white noise trembles the earth, then suddenly ceases. The cessation slams into the world like a hammer blow, the very opposite of noise.
The world breathes its last, as I close my eyes. The leaves rustle. I can feel the warm sunshine on my face, dappling through the treetops.
In the distance, I can hear a bird chattering. A swallow, perhaps.
As a thousand times before, I push my wrists together again, feeling the connection with millennia of history and force, channelled through me.
I take a breath, deeply and slowly, till my lungs scream on the point of bursting.
I prepare to release it. The end of everything.
For the barest second the sky flickers black, the world in negative. My muscles strip from sinew, sinew from bone, cleaving me apart joint by joint.
My mum shouts over the fence. It's dinnertime. This can wait.
The jet continues on its way, unmolested, undeterred. The passengers sip their complimentary drinks, and contemplate vacation time ahead.
Time to go in. I trot towards the fence. This can wait.
Imagine, the futility, and the fury.
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